Ever just sit back, think to yourself while watching the clouds roll by as you drink some nice warm coco? No? Neither do I, honestly I don't have the time nor the willingness to soul search myself. It is a dark and dead end zone inside me, and I am comfortable with that, so much so that I just let it continue to grow darker and fill with cobwebs and bones. It makes life easier to go by with little to no emotional feelings (thanks anti-depressants, even after you're gone, mental side effects are still there). So what do I do when there are times that emotions are needed? Do I tell people I feel ways that are just lies? Do I hurt those around me just because I want to seem...human? I don't know the answer to that really, but I try my best to be as human as possible. Behind my gentle, compassionate and loving side my normally angry, bitter and lack of sympathy personality it above making sure to block all those who could possibly use my hidden emotions for bad reasons.


I don't know when or why I started it, but I know it has helped me countless times when I felt like I might get too attached or might get really hurt. As a hopeless romantic the hardest thing is to lose something you are attached do deeply, so I learned, adapted, I figured out how to prevent such loss from every happening and locked myself away, waiting for the right time to open myself back up and use what I know to make myself truly happy. As much as I would like to say that I am being completely me, there are still plenty of things about myself trapped away, I mean, granted, I am an open person, you ask, I tell. But there are things that just will not come out until I feel like It is alright, until I give the ok signal to say nothing will happen. I have met almost only 4 people in my life that give me a feeling that I can be myself without worry, my true self. Those people know this, and they do appreciate and understand the reality of how hard it is for me to be so comfortable with them and they don't misuse that trust. However, I have a keen sense of when and when not to open myself to others, when to only let so much show, and when to only give so much of myself onto others so as to not be hurt. I know that you have to take chances and sometimes you get hurt, but not everything is worth getting hurt over, as mean and heartless as it sounds, it is true, there is no point in living in pain when you can just chose to not do what causes you pain.